The Price of Beauty

Being a female is not for the faint of heart. I’ve been one all my life and I can speak from hard earned experience. From the time we’re born, we’re adorned with cute bows in our hair and little undies with ruffles going across our backside. Some of us have our ears pierced before we even know we have ears.

When girls reach toddler age, we have all kinds of fun toys to introduce us to the world of hair and makeup. Little Tikes has a purse full of curlers, toy lipstick and nail polish, and even a little compact. There’s little feather boas and hats, and little glittery high heels. Our toddlers can dress up like a blind drag queens while they push their baby dolls in the stroller.

Hitting that awkward “tween” age when you’re not yet a teenager and you don’t feel like a kid anymore introduces you to a whole new world of makeup, nail and hair options. There’s pony tails with the hair already in them. Childhood friends like Tinkerbell and Hannah Montana want you to buy their bubble bath and artificial nails. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have their own line of cosmetics. Even if you’re a tween on a small allowance, you can go to the local drug store and buy .88 cent nail polish and lip-gloss, granted they’re the size of oyster crackers, but they sell like crazy.



Being a teenager is always a difficult time, and when you’re a female teenager, it’s like entering a whole new level of hell. You have to start worrying about your complexion, your weight, your hair, your clothes, what everyone else thinks about your complexion, you weight, your hair, well you get the picture.

You also have to start the life long drama of hair removal. For me this was a slow form of torture. I come from a family where the women get five o’clock shadows on their legs. That always makes hair removal a challenge when your hair is the texture and thickness of steel wool.

I started out shaving, and this worked fine, I’m so glad my blood clots quick or I never would’ve made it out of my 15th year. I saw a commercial for Nads, the pretty lady with the nice Australian accent, smoothing the green goo over some guy who looked like Chewbacca’s stunt double, and then ripping it off clean as can be. I got it home and tried it, all I could think of was they must’ve had that hairy guy sedated, because I felt like I was going to swallow my tongue when I ripped that first bit of goo off. It was so painful I was only able to do one knee cap. I went back to my old stand by shaving.




I then saw this ad for a wondrous new machine that looked like a electric razor but had a metal coil instead. The overly cheerful lady promised that my hair would be “whisked away” quick and painlessly. I rushed right out and laid out my 39.95. I turned it on and pressed it to my ankle. I think this device was originally invented for the Nazi camps. Because if I had any war secrets, I would’ve been spilling them right then. The coil actually yanked my hair out of the follicles, leaving little tiny bloody holes. I could only do my ankle. I couldn’t get the courage up to use it again. I walked around with little pimples on my ankle for two weeks while my skin healed. I brought it back to the store for a refund and the customer service clerk informed me that everyone of the epi machines that were sold have come back. Evidentially it wasn’t just my low pain tolerance, other women couldn’t stand it either.

Sometimes men see women as fragile, dainty creatures. I’d love to put a man up to the epi lady challenge, or a session of waxing and see how fragile he thinks women are after that. We put ourselves thru hair removal, constant makeup trends, uncomfortable shoes, tight clothes, coloring our hair with chemicals so strong it peels the paint off the bathroom wall. And why do we do it? To get a few compliments from our men? Not really, I enjoy looking good for myself. And of course the occasional wolf call from a construction site never hurt either.

Snacking with a dangerous weapon?

Ok, I swear I'm not making this up. I was reading my local paper today and there was an article about a Shelbyville, Tennessee couple that got into a fight using Cheetos. Cheetos, those delicious little orange crunchy things that aren't' just for breakfast anymore.
It just blew my mind that this couple could fight using Cheetos and actually have the police respond and both were arrested for domestic assault. I'd love to read that paperwork. Assault with a deadly snack food? How much damage can you honestly do with a Cheeto? Grind them in your partner's eye so they'll spend an hour trying to get out the orange Cheeto dust? Maybe the picture of Chester Cheetah on the bag looked menacing to them and they just felt full of rage. I just can't help but think they must have been on something else. Either that or they were off their meds entirely.
When I was married and my husband would do something that made me want to scream. The last thing on my mind was getting a bag of snack food and waiting for him to get home. I mean you could keep the Cheetos in the bag and just slap them upside the head with them. But you better be prepared to run, because I've enjoyed Cheetos all my life, and trust me, you cannot knock someone out with them.
I think if someone really made me mad, I wouldn't go for Cheetos. I'd probably wop them with a bag of Grape Nuts or something. Have you ever eaten Grape Nuts? Those things are like little tiny gravel, they just lay at the bottom of the bowl. You could really do some damage with Grape Nuts. Or maybe go the candy route, hit em with a jawbreaker, at least they've got a bit more substance to them than Cheetos.
I wonder what the responding officers had to deal with when they arrived on the scene of the Cheeto attack? This is the police, drop the Cheetos, wipe your fingers off, and place them on your head! Well, I just felt obligated to share my view on the whole Cheeto incident, it's definitely "chuckle worthy".

Living with my aging parent

It’s common knowledge that everyone ages. And unfortunately part of aging is watching your parent get older also. I’ve had a front row seat to my mother’s aging process. Sometimes it’s even a audience participation event. I have to take her to her doctor visits now because driving out of our small town has started to make her nervous. This is the same woman who could put up with me dragging our pet cats around the house in laundry baskets while I gave them a “tour” of our home. Usually this was done at the top of my lungs because for some reason I thought our cats couldn’t hear me unless I spoke loud enough for them to cringe and fold their ears back.

So like the dutiful child, I take her to the endless stream of doctor visits, tests and prescriptions. I go in and try to keep her prescriptions and ailments straight. My Mom has arthritis that I’m convinced has completely taken over everything on her body except her toenails. This causes her to no longer walk but shuffle along at slightly slower than the speed of smell. I can’t help but think of the younger version of this woman that now shuffles along behind me. She was able to run me down in the grocery store like a leopard on a gazelle. I was never able to get to the end of the store isle before she had me by the shoulder, dragging me back to the cart and telling me to “wait till we got home”. Which always struck a chord terror with me. Even though my Mother was a screamer, not a hitter. So nothing ever happened when “we got home”, but it always worked with me, every time. I guess a Mother’s best advantage is a child’s short term memory.
At the last doctor’s visit, we were told my Mom has to have a “procedure” to help with the pain in her back. We no longer have a specific type of operation, she’s hit the age where everything’s a “procedure”.

So we get to the hospital at six in the morning. They send my Mom to the back to get prepped and I’m left in the waiting room with stale coffee and a National Geographic from 1978. After a little bit a nurse comes out to get me so that I can see my Mom before they begin. I went thru the swinging double doors and I saw my Mom trundling down the hall of the hospital, wearing a hospital gown, holding a urine sample in her hand like it was a cup of punch and she was working the room like a social butterfly. She was so casual holding her own urine in that Dixie cup, you could tell, this was not our first rodeo. Both she and I have become more familiar with urine samples since she was asked to take one and bring it in to her doctor on our next visit. They gave her a cup with a lid. My Mom is terrible at lids. I found that out when we got to the Dr.’s office and her purse was soaked. The urine sample had not been sealed tight enough and had spilled all over her purse, it even shorted out the little electronic Yahtzee game she keeps in her purse. Thankfully that was the last time they ever asked for a sample from home, and the Yahtzee game recovered after it dried out.


I soon realized the tables were turning. Instead of taking care of me in the diaper, it was her turn to be on the receiving end of the care and sporting the diaper. At least we haven’t hit the full diaper stage yet. We both still try to keep our sense of humor thru it all. If you can’t laugh about things, then you’re in worse shape than you originally thought. I have to get to bed early tonite. Tomorrow’s going to be an early morning start, we have another “procedure” to go to.

Are You Aware?

I was reading an article from a magazine in the Dr.’s office waiting room that mentioned “Genital Awareness” month, once I stopped giggling, I started thinking about when I was growing up, I never heard of awareness days. So being the ever curious person that I am, I came home and started to do some research. I was amazed at what I found, there is an awareness day for almost every single day of the year.

January has National Blood Donor, Cervical Cancer, and Poison Prevention. These I thought were pretty informational and helpful things for me to be aware of. But it also has National Thank Your Customers and Hunt for Happiness, as well as, NYC Restaurant week. What do I do if I don’t have customers to thank or I’m not sure where to hunt for my happiness? And I’ve never even been to New York.

February has Women’s Heart Health, and Black History. Then there’s Library Lovers, Plant Seeds of Greatness, Time Management, and National Weddings. Couldn’t they for the sake of time throw the Time Management and Weddings together? Maybe get married in a library and that will cover Library Lovers too. I’m not even sure about the whole Plant Seeds of Greatness thing. Where would a person purchase these seeds? I’m not thinking in the Lawn & Garden at Wal-Mart.

March has American Red Cross, which if admirable and we all know the good work they do. I’d be more willing to give to the Red Cross than to Steroid Abuse Prevention, which is also in March. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and National Caffeine awareness are in March also. Those two could totally be combined in one day where volunteers could just pass out espresso to tired people. And Genital Awareness Month is the last week in March. If they don’t feel like enough of America is aware of their genitals, it may sometimes go over into the first week of April.

April has a bunch of serious, worth while awareness days, Autism, Child Abuse Prevention, and Public Health. There’s also Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Cancer Control. April is also Jazz Appreciation and Alcohol Awareness. Anyone who’s ever been to a jazz club is aware of alcohol. When is Mardi Gras, anyway? May has a few good ones too. Like Motorcycle Safety and Arthritis. Then we have International Victorious Woman. Are they kidding? What does that even mean? I feel mildly Victorious just getting that all out correctly. Then there’s Shoes for Orphans, Better Sleep, Better Hearing and Speech, and Ultra Violet Awareness.

June has National Cancer Survivors and Adopt-A-Shelter Cat. It also has National Headache Awareness and National Celibacy Awareness. Those two could totally be observed in one day, why stretch it out for those of us who do enjoy sex without excuses. I think we were scraping the bottom of the barrel to fill as many days up in July as possible. We’ve got Cell Phone Courtesy and Vehicle Theft Protection. Cell Phone Courtesy? You could turn that into an entire year of awareness and that would not change the fact that you’re going to get stuck in a grocery line with someone who thinks they have to yell to be heard on the other end. So you stand there trying not to make eye contact while they give the person they’re talking to a run down of what’s in their basket, where they’re going after this, and what crappy thing happened to them at work that day.

August is when you see everyone sporting those cute little pink bows we all know so well, it’s Breast Cancer Awareness, as well as Cataract Awareness. If you don’t take care of one, you can’t see the other! It’s also National Preparedness Month, who thought of that, the boy scouts? September has 5-A-Day, I’m only hoping they mean vegetable servings? And there’s Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week, the subs get short changed even on their awareness, I bet the full time teachers get a whole month of awareness.

October is a busy month, full of Rett Syndrome, World Blindness, Interstitial Cystitis, Lupas and Liver, and Depression Screening. Which the only one I was even vaguely familiar with was the Depression. Did Scarlet O’ Hara have Rett Syndrome? I’ve never heard of it. But then again, that doesn’t say much, you could fill a stadium full of things I’ve never heard of. October is also Halloween Safety Month, glad they put that in October, it’d lose some of it’s importance if they had it in July.

Now, we’ve come to November and December. As if we all don’t have enough to be aware of during those months as it is. I’m way too busy hunting around for a cheap 20lb turkey to worry about it being National Game and Puzzle week, or trying to get beat the old woman in front of me to the last bag of sage stuffing to worry about it being World Kindness Day. December is always a busy month for me, almost every other person in my family, including me, was born in December. You can really tell what the couples in my family were up to in the month of March! But that’s another story for another time. So why would I care if it’s Learn a Foreign Language or Colorectal Cancer Awareness month while I‘m busy trying to buy things I can‘t afford for people I see once a year?

If someone were to publish a calendar with every single awareness day marked, it would be the size of a phone book. I barely skimmed the surface on all the awareness days and weeks and months we have nowadays. I still don’t feel very aware, and I’m sure the lady in the grocery store line in front of me, yelling in to the cell phone, isn’t very aware either.