Bugs

I'll admit it. I don't like bugs. I'm not one of those people that will stop you from swatting one and give you this long speech about how everything serves a purpose and they're needed. I personally don't think they are. I can't really name one time in my life when a bug has come to my rescue or saved my life. I've never got a jump for a dead battery by a fly, an ant has never held the door open for me at a restaurant. A spider has never carried my bags to my car at the store. So when it comes time to roll up the newspaper and start swinging, I'm right there.


I'm not saying that humans and bugs can't exist peacefully together. I'm all for that. If they leave me alone, than I'll leave them alone. But I do admit that once a spider wanders into my bathroom, I consider that a personal invasion of my privacy and he'll be dealt with using my tried and true method of spider killing.

Once the spider is spotted, I will take my hairspray, the super hold, fast trying freeze spray, and give him a couple of shots at close range, while the spider is staggering around on my counter top, I will scream obscenities at it. I will them grab a few squares of toilet paper, unless it's a particularly ugly spider, than he gets a full Kleenex. I will drop the paper on him, and swoop him up, and quickly deliver him to the toilet for a swift flush. That's how I've dealt with spider since the beginning of my memory.

So when my daughter came into my room screaming about a spider in her bathroom, I grabbed my hairspray and went in for the kill. Once I got to the bathroom, I saw this furry little black spider sitting in the corner of the ceiling over the bathroom mirror. I had my hairspray aimed and ready when my son came running in to stop me. He quickly informed me that he's been aware of the spider's presence in the bathroom for quite some time now. He's named him Phil and he leaves everyone alone. It was at this time I was silently grateful for my parental poker face, the one that every parent uses when you're child says something so off the wall that if makes your eyebrows want to jump of your face. But instead you look at them like they've said something that requires great contemplation on your part, and you walk away to giggle alone.

I agreed to give Phil the spider a trial run so to speak. I was going to spare his life for a few days in order for my son to prove to me that Phil was going to peacefully live in our spare bathroom. My daughter was appalled at this. She's also pretty handy with the hairspray bottle and was ready to give Phil the Aqua Net treatment right then and there. She said she was officially not using the extra bathroom anymore, until Phil was no longer a resident.

So needless to say, my daughter and I became "bathroom buddies" and I secretly hoped that Phil the spider would either break our treaty or be in the twilight of his little spider life and go to the big web in sky pretty soon. But as time wore on and the more I complained about her taking over my counter space. My daughter eventually started sharing the bathroom with her brother and Phil. And after awhile, Phil was no longer there. He just left as quietly as he'd showed up. I can't say I really learned anything from giving a spider his own bathroom. Just that it's the only time it's happened. I figure I pay the bills around here, and if any other little creatures want a bathroom to themselves, they can pony up their half of my house payment.

I've never been a "bug lover". I think the closest I ever came was when that series of children's movies featuring bugs flooded the market a few years back. Disney put out "A Bug's Life", there was "Ants", and "Ant Bully", and a slew of others that I didn't have to sit thru. Even when Disney makes a bug cute, you can guarantee the ant that's walking across your kitchen counter hoping you didn't do a good job of cleaning up tonight’s dinner isn't the little wise cracking "doe eyed" ant that Disney puts in it's movies. Those movies even have you feeling sorry for the bugs, like their life is so unfair. They just work their little bug hearts out and deal with all the injustices that the mean humans inflict on them. I can guarantee the ants that I woke up with in my sleeping bag on my last camping trip weren't humming a Disney tune.


But the movies make bugs look cute. They tone down their appearance. If they showed kids want bugs really looked like, no parent in the history of EVER would ever get a good night sleep again. Just turn on the Discovery Channel or TLC. Any of those channels that have shows that way over use the magnifying lenses.

My dog hates flies. If one goes near him he freaks out and gets up and moves away from it. My kids used to laugh at my dog for this, calling him a sissy and other non dog like names. But after I showed them what flies looked like up close, my dog wasn't the only one running from flies around here. Flies have thirty million little eyeballs and are covered with hair. That's why you can never swat them, they can see you coming from across the state line.

Spiders are the same way. They have forty million eyeballs and fangs and way too many legs. For something to be welcome in my house in can't have more than four legs. If you go over the four leg mark in my house, then it's either the newspaper or hairspray treatment for you. It makes me wonder why there are so many spiders. They are so hideous looking, how can they find each other attractive enough to mate? But since I have only two of everything, I guess that's something I'll never know.